Family Mediation Stories

Back to Family Mediation

Ted and Mary were married for 23 years. They are in their forties. They have three children, one of whom is at university and two who are still at home.

Ted’s position pays him about $120,000.00 per year. Mary works part time in the home and earns less than $20,000.00.

Mary has been the main care provider for the children. She wants to stay in the home and be the primary caregiver. She expects to be supported by Ted indefinitely.

Ted would like a 50-50 arrangement with the children. He concedes that Mary has spent more time with the children and has done a good job with their care. On the other hand, he has worked long overtime hours in order to make this possible. He wants to work less and spend more time with the children. He does not want to pay support forever.

Ted has been told that if he leaves the home before a final separation is reached, he will give Mary big advantages in any negotiations or litigation to follow. The atmosphere in the home is terrible - everyone is suffering.

The first mediation session is cordial - barely cordial - apparently, neither spouse wants to leave a bad impression with the mediator. To show good faith, Ted concedes that Mary will probably end up being the primary caregiver and have the majority of the time with the children. On the other hand, Ted is not ready to give up whatever leverage he has by staying in the home until he knows more about Mary’s final position on various issues. The parties agree to gather and exchange their financial disclosure for the next session.

The second session is unproductive. It is high summer, hot outside, and inside the house the temperature is rising. Not much progress has been made in terms of financial disclosure. The mediator decides that the atmosphere is not conducive to progress and suggests that the session be suspended pending better disclosure.

By the time of the third session, enough financial disclosure has been assembled to allow for progress towards the final agreement. However, it is quickly apparent no progress is going to be made until the parties have physically separated. The parties are angry and frustrated with each other and with their situation. The mediator shifts the focus of the session to finding an interim agreement, which will allow Ted to move from the home without suffering any financial or legal prejudice. Anxious to find an agreement which meets their most pressing immediate needs, the
parties work effectively towards a “without prejudice” agreement. Ted’s income will continue to go into the joint account, which will continue to cover the expenses of the home. Ted will open a second line of credit against which he will be permitted to draw enough funds to cover his new outof- home expenses to a maximum amount per month. The parties agree that Ted and Mary will share the responsibility for any overdraft from the joint account and the balance on the new line of credit as part of their equalization of property. Ted and Mary are visibly pleased with this progress and exchange their first smiles (probably for months).

The penultimate session finds the couple quite relaxed and positive: Ted has moved and is seeing the children regularly on weekends. Both he and Mary are pleased with this aspect. The interim financial agreement is working. Since the last financial disclosure has been obtained, Ted and Mary work out the terms for their final agreement with very little fuss.

At the last session, Ted and Mary meet with the mediator to review the agreement that the mediator has prepared. Each is advised to see a lawyer before signing this agreement. When they leave the session, it is clear that Ted and Mary have reached an agreement with which they are both pleased. The key to this successful mediation was the interim agreement, which allowed Ted to leave the house. In litigation or any other power- or rights-based process, such an agreement would not likely have been achieved. The interim agreement created the atmosphere for resolution of the bigger, permanent issues.

Copyright reserved to Robert D. Hammond

Back to Family Mediation